Finding out that your partner has been cheating on you is a gut-wrenching feeling. At first, it’s normal to feel anger and rage, but as time goes on, you may find yourself asking more questions. Where did they go? What gifts did he buy her? How many times were they intimate?
It’s normal to wonder what went on in your partner’s affair as you begin to heal and forgive. But is it really necessary to know everything?
First, understand why you want to know this information. The most common reason why people choose to know more is because they want to compare themselves to the affair partner.
A second reason is because people believe that if they know the details, it will lead to closure. It’s no fun wondering what went on, after all. That, in itself, can make a person mad.
If you think that knowing the details of your partner’s affair will help you, there are a few things to keep in mind. Let’s take a look.
If you’re a person who obsesses over little things or has a habit of rehashing the past, knowing the details of an affair will probably come back to haunt you. Though you may have good intentions, you might find yourself obsessing over all the things that went on in the relationship, and this will most certainly come into yours.
Second, if you use the information to compare yourself to the other person, you may start on a self-destructive path. Not only can this make you jealous and paranoid, but it can also leave you comparing your “real life” to the affair partner’s “fake life” because you really don’t know much about them.
Finally, know that learning the details of an affair won’t move you forward or help you heal in any way. The past is the past, and knowing crucial details isn’t going to change that. If you are not ready to forgive, it’s a sign that you need more time, not more information.
Now, does this mean that you shouldn't know the details? Not necessarily. You just have to know what your intentions are and how you will handle the truth.
As trusted private investigators in NJ that specialize in extramarital affairs, we warn our clients of this all the time. When they put us on their case, we want them to know that we may record things that are going to upset them. We want our clients to be prepared for this and also know what they plan to use the information for. Do they want a divorce? Do they want alimony? Do they just want to “stick it” to that other person?
At the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with wanting to know the details of an affair. But it’s also OK to not know. Either way, the details aren’t going to move you any closer to forgiveness. That will only come with time.